-A Motivational speaker said:
"The Best years of my life were
spent in the arms of a woman,
who wasn't my wife" Audience were in shock and silence. He added: "She was my mother." A big round of applause & laughter followed!
A very daring husband tried to
crack this at home. After a dinner,
he said loudly to his wife in the
kitchen: "The Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
Standing for a moment, he tried
to recall the second line of that
speaker. By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed,
recovering from burns of boiling water!>:O
-Amina went to the Library and asked for the Book 'Pyscho The Rapist'.
The librarian searched for 6hrs and came back livid with rage
, slapped Ekpomoto hard and said: "Idiot the book is called Psychotherapist!". =))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º=))
-A man invited his friends from far & wide for his father's funeral, after lowering the coffin they put yams, rice, meat E.T.C, into the grave. A Hausa man who is used to their simple way of burying the dead, asked "why do you waste so much food item this hard times? The man smiled & said, ''according to our tradition the dead man is going on a long journey & therefore needs all the food items. The hausa man dropped $500 in the grave. ''When you finished with the food items, you can buy more''. The yoruba man also wanted to identify, so he dropped $500. ''When you finish with the hausa man's money, continue with my own''. The Igbo man would not be left out, so he signed a cheque of $1500, dropped it into the grave & collected the $1000 as ''CHANGE''. Kwenu!!! GOoD afternoon and have a beneficially rewarding day.
-Three fulani men went for a visit in town and they were given coke, fanta and sprite.
The one given fanta drank his own.
When he asked the one with coke why he refused to drink his, he said "nawa konanne ne".
The one with sprite said: "gara kai naka konanne ne; nawa ko a wuta ba'a daura ba."
=D=D=))
-An old woman had a son who lives abroad but she cant afford 3square meals a day, 1 day the landlord visited the woman & asked, why are u struggling to eat when u hve a son abroad,old woman replies don't mind that boy upon all the money we spent on him to go US, he is always sending me photograph with white men on it, pls can i see the photo,the woman brought it out and it was dollars.
-*An American, an English man, and a Nigerian were on a ship. Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, "Drop anything in the sea, if I find it I will eat u, If I can't, I will be your slave!" The American dropped a pin, the Devil found it and ate him. The English man dropped a coin, the Devil found it and ate him too. The Nigerian opened a bottle of water, poured it in the sea and said, "Na today be today, go find am!".
-*A man sits on the balcony having drinks with his wife, and he says, "I love you!" She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?" He replies, "It's me… talking to the beer.
-Policeman: Man, how did u kill 50 people in a car accident?
Man: i was driving at about 40mph, when i tried to stop i found that i had no brakes. i saw 2 men walking on the street and a wedding on d other side of d street, who should i hit
Policeman: of course the 2 men,less damage.
Man: that's what i thought to myself, but when i did it, i hit only one and the other one ran to the wedding, SO I DROVE AFTER HIM
-A plane was carrying mental patients who were making lot of noise, one patient pops into the cockpit and orders the pilots to teach him to fly aplane.
PILOT: yes we will but on a condition that u tell your friends to keep quiet,off he goes and after a short while everywhere became quiet
And he came back, "teach me now" he said, amazed the pilots asked"but how did u manage to silence your friends?"
PATIENT: I've opened the door for them to go and play out side.
-From a Limpopo High School, grammar teacher: "The girl goes to school, goesn't she?(Hmmm!)
From Brits, somewhere in Rabokala High School teacher:"Both of you three come here!.(Na waooo!)
An irritated Soshanguve primary School teacher to a student: "Tomorrow I want you to come with your father, your mother and both your parents!" X_X .
On seeing twins enter his office, the deputy principal of Lepelle high School at Marblehall said:" You look together; are you twice, who is copying who?(Wahala dey oo)
Notice at a store in Mothutlung: "Open seven days a week and weekends" (shoo!)
Sipho admonished two boys who were arguing:"Don't speak so twice together, man,Speak once upon a time!" (Shege!)
My favourite remains what Julius Malema said:
"I would rather kill myself than commit suicide ( una dey see am)
-NAIJA NETWORKS and relationships
girl: hi babe(msg sent)
boy: hi luv (msg sending failed)
girl: are u there?(msg sent)
Boy: yes am here luv (msg sendn failed)
girl: are u ignoring me?(msg sent)
Boy: no no my luv (msg sendn failed)
girl: fine, i think dis relationship is over(msg sent)
boy: damn u, go to hell (msg sent)
-Julius Malema goes into a gallery.
He looks at the paintings, and then he turns to a lady standing next to
him and asks, "Did a white person actually paint all this shit?"
The lady turns around and responds, "No sir, that's a mirror".
-*"Man of God,my dog is dead. Could there be a service for the poor creature?" Man of God replied, "No, we cannot have service for an animal in Gods house.But there is a new place of worship down the road, maybe they will do it." The man said, "Do you think they will accept a donation of U.S $250,000 for the burial service?" the Man of God exclaimed, "Sweet Lord!! Why didn't u tell me the dog was a Christian/Muslim?"
-Only God Knows The Answer
In a certain school, it was time for exams and everybody started preparing themselves for that BIG day.
When the day came, they all got into the hall and got settled. Finally the paper came and a very popular student discovered that he didn'know the answers to any of the questions that were asked.
He couldn't jolly well leave and look stupid to all his classmates, so while waiting for the exam period to end, he wrote "only God knows the answer" after every question.
When the scripts were returned to the students, the teached noted, "God gets an A+, you get an F-".
-Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them
kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said:
"You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few
years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got
married.
"Later my father married my step daughter. That made my stepdaughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also,my wife became mother in-law of her father-in-law.
Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son, but he was also the son of my wife's daughter which made him my wife's grand-son.That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.
"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. "This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I'm my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew and I'm My own son's grandfather! And you think you have family wahala
-A university professor, after very many years of study came home. On arrival he met a village boy at the river bank. The little boy ferry people across the sea for money. No sooner had professor boarded the boy's canoe than the following interogation began:
Prof: "Did you read philosophy?"
The Boy:"No"
Prof: "You are useless in the world"
Prof: "What about psychlogy?"
The Boy: "No"
Prof: "You are a waste"
Prof: "Did you read phamacology?
The Boy: "No"
Prof: "You are good for nothing"
After a while there was excessive wave and the canoe was shaking to capsize.
The boy quicky abandoned the prof to fate. The helpless prof was in great fear, yelling at the litte bot for help.The Boy asked him " Prof, have studied Swimmology?" Now you are the one finished.
-The Nigerian National Anthem - Re-Versed
The price of corruption
Nigeria's call neglect
Stealing wealth of our fathers' land
They rob and steal till date
The labours of our heroes past
May now just be in vain
They serve to take our wealth
Dividing a nation where thieves
And robbers now reign.
Authors of confussion
Mislead our noble cause
Mastermind our leaders rights
And our youths to unlearn the truth
But of dishonesty to know
It's just so plain to see
Great lofty heights attained
Dividing a nation
Where Peace and
Justice once reigned
-"It is 6:00 AM, Wake Up!!"
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
The next week, the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 6:00 AM for an early morning business flight to Abuja. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (AND LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 6:00 AM.
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and that he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper read, "It is 6:00 AM. Wake Up."
-Dis Ibo People Sef!
A Nigerian business tycoon was at a social gathering where other monguls and wealthy men were present.
The Ibo businessman looked for all ways to oppress the other rich men who were present at the gathering. Just for that foolish reason, he sent for his driver and had this conversation with him:
"Driver, go to my house, not the green one, the red one. Not the red one in Ikoyi, the red one in Victoria Island. Not the one in Adeola Odeku, the one on Etim Iyang Crescent. Not No 22, but No 11.
It is a black gate you will see, fling it open.
You will see a green Honda Civic. Perpendicularly, adjacently opposite to the Civic is a blue Toyota Carina E. It is not that one. Trigonometrically, geometrically, hypotenously 90 degrees to the 306 is a Mazda 929.
It is not that one.
The Mazda is very close to a regular Benz, the regular Benz is behind a 406, the 406 is beside Volvo S40 which is in front of a Honda Accord blocking a Toyota RAV4 opposite a Honda CRV. That makes a crescent to the Prado Jeep.
On getting to the Prado Jeep, make a diagonal sharp turn to the left extreme right top corner, on your way to where I parked the M-Class, very close to the E-Class in front of the Beast at the back of the swimming pool is a lovely S. Type Jaguar.
Don't touch the bonnet. Go to the boot, fling it open.
You will see red, white and blue briefcases. The red one contains dollars, 10 million dollars. Don't touch it. The blue contains pounds, 8 million pounds. Don't touch it. The white one contains Naira, 500s, 200s, 100s, 50s, 20s, 10s denominations. I arranged them in hierarchical order. 500 Nairas in first layer, 200 Nairas in second, 100 Nairas 3rd layer, 50 Nairas 4th layer, 20 Nairas 5th and 10 Nairas top floor.
Take one 10 Naira. Go and use it to buy pure water, and don't forget to bring my change!"
-AIDS Injection
There was a man living in Victoria Island, Lagos.
A thief came to his house one night and threatened to inject him with blood containing the HIV virus if he didn't drop all the money he collected from the bank the day before.
The man: Are you going to leave me with the money if I allow you to inject me with the HIV virus?
The Thief: I will not collect the money and I will leave you.
On hearing this, he told the thief to give him 5 minutes and he went to the toilet. When he came back from the toilet, he asked the thief to inject him with the HIV virus.
The thief injected him with the HIV virus and left immediately.
Immediately the thief left, the wife became hysterical
The Wife: What the hell did you just do?
The Man: Don't mind the stupid thief, he doesn't know that I put on a condom the other time I went to the toilet.
-You know you're flying Nigeria Airways if.....
You get to the airport before the ticket counter staff.
Everybody is checking in suitcases the size of a refrigerator.
The person beside you taps you on your shoulder and says .." beg yu checkeen dis piece of luggage fah mi nuh... "
Everybody makes a bolt for the gate when the announcer on the p.a.system says that "..this is NOT a boarding announcement."
You can't get on board because somebody in front of you is trying to get a Toyota engine block into the overhead compartment.
At least one passenger is accompanied by an armed Federal Agent (body guard or escort).
No magazine or news paper to read unless you bring your own.
Everybody is trying to figure out what the hell "Port of Embarkation" means.
When the passenger next to you slowly leans away from you while raising one leg and mutters .. "Yes bwoy, DAT is gas!"
Somebody hands a flight attendant a paper bag and asks her to "heat up dis fufu soup fi mi nuh deariee".
The overhead compartment smells like fish and rum....then it starts to drip on you.
Most of the passengers clap and clap when the pilot lands the plane gentleeee.
Everybody who has a big screen TV, a boom-box and a microwave goes straight to the "Nothing to Declare"..... And I would add
The steward serves you a hard bread bun and tells you "ol boy, no Tea oh"
-una no go wound una self o
There was once a guy who had a very annoying parrot.
Each time he brought someone home, the parrot would pass annoying comments about them.
One day, he brought a babe home and after all the works--drink, BBQ, whatever, he offered to show the babe "something" in his bedroom (u know what). As they made to enter the bedroom, the parrot was like 'una go wound una sef o". And it kept chanting it over and over again.
Of course, homeboy was pissed. So he went and locked the parrot in the toilet. But, that didnt stop the parrot, it still kept on chanting.
The bobo was really pissed now so he removed the parrot from the cage and threw it into the toilet and flushed it.
He went back to the room to continue his business.
After they were through with whatever, the lady went to the bathroom cos she needed to clean up and do whatever else.
As she sat on the toilet bowl ready to do her thing she just heard the parrot saying "kai, I think I don tell u say una go wound una sef, see as e don wound u now"..
-You Know You Are African/Naija if....
You unwrap all your gifts carefully, so that you can reuse the wrapping.
You don't have genuine Tupperware, only use margarine, ice-cream and yoghurt tubs to store food.
You call an older person you've never met before "uncle" or "aunty"
More than 90% of the music CD's and cassettes in your home are illegal copies. (Made in Dubai)
Your garage is always full of stuff because you never throw anything away, just in case you need it someday.
You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles from your stays at hotels. (Marriott, etc)
You almost always have excess baggage when travelling by plane.
If a store has a limit on the quantity of a product, then each member of the family will join separate queues to purchase the maximum quantity possible.
At least one of your cousins has an annoying nickname. (Bobo, Kemo, Orebe, Shege, Femo, etc)
Nobody in your family informs you that they are coming over for a visit. (Uncle, his wife, sis-in-law, two nephews and house girl have all camped at your house)
You stuff your pockets with, mints and toothpicks at restaurants. (Murray mints, wrappers, and salt-shakers!)
Your mother has a minor disagreement with her sister and does not talk to her for 10 years.
You only make telephone calls and operate your washing machine (which disturbs your neighbours) at night, when the rate is cheaper.
You teach others swear words in your language. (Oloshi, Waka, Ashawo)
You never have less than 20 people to meet you at the airport or see you off even if it is a local flight. (Yeah, 1st person to fly in the family, that's why)
You keep changing your Internet Service Provider after using up the free first month.
Office supplies mysteriously find their way to your home. (Yes ke, Scissors, Biros, Post-its, etc.)
You don't buy a printer because it is cheaper to do it at work.
You wash your car on a Sunday. (Maybe, not really)
You know the best phone card to buy (eg UNITY, BELL, GO BANANA, etc); because you know the ones that have the longest time - at least you should speak to all your children, brothers, sister-in-law, mother, and that your uncle's daughter; who live in your house.
You always lie about the ages of your children so they can avoid paying higher admission fees.
When you were young, your parents bought you clothes at least two sizes too big so that they would last longer.
At least one of your uncles is a teacher.
You have a 10 Kg bag of rice in your kitchen
You always read the Sport sections of the Sunday newspapers first.
The first week of your first time on internet, access was hectic as you had to check your e-mail everyday to see if your uncle/friend has written from home, and you start checking the web for websites like this- for naija stuffs and jokes.
Throughout your first-four weeks abroad, you have to caution yourself on the way you walk on the road, when you should take the footpaths. Understand? You know how that car nearly hit you when you were walking in the road, and you had forgotten you were no longer in Naija? There are footpaths beside the roads here!
The first time you schooled/worked with an oyinbo, he annoys you and you shout at him. Later he tells everyone you are swearing at him.
-Forgive Me Father
A certain guy went to church and wanted to give his life to Jesus Christ.
He met the pastor and said that he really wanted to give his life to Christ but he couldn't because he had done so many terrible things. Specifically, he had slept with so many ladies in this church that unless he confessed, he didn't feel God would forgive him.
So the pastor arranged with him that at the next Sunday service, he should sit in the front row and that during offerings, as everyone came up, he could signify which women he had been with by making a shooting sound and also "confess" the number of times with the appropriate number of shots.
On that Sunday, when the first woman he had been with came up, he sounded 2 shots..... Gbosa!, Gbosa!!.
He did this to over 50% of the ladies in the church untill he got to the daughter of the pastor. For her, he fired at least ten shots. This terribly disturbed the pastor. He was very upset but let it pass.
When the pastor's wife stood up, the guy couldn'nt express how many times he had slept with the woman. Not realising that this was the pastors wife, he let out a machine gun like sound.... Greeeeeeeeeee....indicating that it was indeed uncountable .
The pastor couldn'nt control his feelings anymore and shouted at the man that God will definetly not forgive him!.
-April Fool!
A young boy rushed to his mother and told her excitedly..."Mummy, Mummy!, come quickly! There is a strange man playing with the house maid in her room.
His mother stood up in anger.
"In my house?! Abi this girl craze! Ewo! If na true junior de talk I go kill this girl today"!
She stormed down the hall to confront the maid but when she got to the door, junior who had been trying to play a joke on his mum screamed with glee...
"April Fool Mum!, It's only Daddy playing with the house maid!"
-D house of a linguistic graduate was on fire. He ran 4 help n shouted, "Succour, multitude! A great conflagration is consuming my domicile, it rages with impunity. Oh! My gargantuan edifice has been engulfed in vast holocaust!"
As he was busy blowing grammar, d house almost got completely burnt 2 ashes. He den yelled, "Kai ku taimaka, gobara jama'a!"(Hey help me,my house is on fire).
Julius Malema recently bought a new automatic car. He drives the car perfectly well during the day but at night the car just won't move.
He had tried everything for a week and still no luck he then furiously calls the dealership and they send out a tech.
The tech asks "are you sure you using the right gears?"
He says "of course I am, I'm not stupid. I use D for "day" and N for 'night"...!
A bus full of mother-in-laws was going around the island and the bus crashed, everyone died. People cried for a week, but a certain woman was still crying after two weeks, when asked why she was still crying. She said, "my mother-in-law missed the bus"=D
-Stupid answers for stupid
questions:
1. Some1 cals u at 2 a.m in the nyt nd ask Ʊ, "are u sleepin?"
Ans :no,I'm pickin beans..
2. When its raining and som1 notices u goin out yet they ask;
Are u goin out in this rain??
Ans: No in the next one
3. You're makin out with a girl, then u start pullin her pants den she asks; what are u tryin to do??
Ans: i want to wash them 4 u
4 They see u comin out of the bathroom, wet; did u just have a bath?
Ans: no, i fell into the toilet
bowl
5. You standing right in front of the elevator on the ground floor goin 2 ur office,yet they ask; going
up?
Ans: no, i'm waiting for my
office to come down and get me!
6. Your boyfriend comes home with a bunch of flowers and u still ask him; are those flowers?
Ans: no baby, they're carrots!
7. You're in the toilet nd u locked the door, som1 knocks on the door asking; is any1 there?
Ans: No! na shit lock the door...mtscheew!!
8. You're in the queue at the
cinema to buy tickets, a frnd
sees U and asks; what are you doin here?
Ans: i'm here to pay
my school fees!... Mumu
9. When pple see you lying down with your eyes closed, they still ask; are you sleeping?
Ans: No!, I'm practising to die...
-Prove that 2/10=2
Japanese student:
Wrong question.
Pakistani student:
No Way.
... American student:
It's strange, how is it possible?
Nigerian: warri student
Two/Ten
=wo/en
(T with T cancel)
w = 23rd letter
o = 15th letter
e = 5th letter
n = 14th letter
So,
23+15 / 5+14
= 38 / 19
= 2
Warri nor dey carry last....
-Laurent Gbagbo ███████████████ 100% Complete.
Saddam Hussein ███████████████ 100% Complete.
Osama Bin Laden ███████████████ 100% Complete.
Mu'ammar Ghaddafi ███████████████ 100% Complete.
Nigerian Evil Leaders █▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ Loading.....but in Naija,Power Holding fit take light bfor it finish LoadingX_X
-An Irish daughter had not been home for five years. Upon her return, her Father shouted at her: 'where have you been all these years? Why didn't you call? Do you know what your mum and I went through?
The girl crying replied 'Dad I became a prostitute.' You what? ''Out of here you shameless sinner. You are a disgrace to the family''
''Okay dad, as you wish'' she said. I just came to give mum this luxurious fur coat, keys to a ten bedroom mansion, and a $5million savings certificate.
For you my little brother, this gold Rolex and for you dad, the sparkling new edition Mercedes limited edition convertible that is parked outside. I also have an invitation for you to spend New year on board my new yacht in the Riviera and......... ......... ..
Now, shouted her dad, ''what is it you said you had become?
The girl started crying again, prostitute dad!
Oh Jesus, you scared me, I thought you said you had become a PROTESTANT!!
Come here and give your old man a big hug!! =)) :D̶̲̥̅̊
A Motivational speaker said:
"The Best years of my life were
spent in the arms of a woman,
who wasn't my wife" Audience were in shock and silence. He added: "She was my mother." A big round of applause & laughter followed!
A very daring husband tried to
crack this at home. After a dinner,
he said loudly to his wife in the
kitchen: "The Best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman, who wasn't my wife"
Standing for a moment, he tried
to recall the second line of that
speaker. By the time he gained his senses, he was on a hospital bed,
recovering from burns of boiling water!>:O
Ekpomoto went to the Library and asked for the Book 'Pyscho The Rapist'.
The librarian searched for 6hrs and came back livid with rage, slapped Ekpomoto hard and said: "Idiot the book is called Psychotherapist!". =))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º=))
A man invited his friends from far & wide for his father's funeral, after lowering the coffin they put yams, rice, meat E.T.C, into the grave. A Hausa man who is used to their simple way of burying the dead, asked "why do you waste so much food item this hard times? The man smiled & said, ''according to our tradition the dead man is going on a long journey & therefore needs all the food items. The hausa man dropped $500 in the grave. ''When you finished with the food items, you can buy more''. The yoruba man also wanted to identify, so he dropped $500. ''When you finish with the hausa man's money, continue with my own''. The Igbo man would not be left out, so he signed a cheque of $1500, dropped it into the grave & collected the $1000 as ''CHANGE''. Kwenu!!! GOoD afternoon and have a beneficially rewarding day.
Three fulani men went for a visit in town and they were given coke, fanta and sprite.
The one given fanta drank his own.
When he asked the one with coke why he refused to drink his, he said "nawa konanne ne".
The one with sprite said: "gara kai naka konanne ne; nawa ko a wuta ba'a daura ba."
=D=D=))
An old woman had a son who lives abroad but she cant afford 3square meals a day, 1 day the landlord visited the woman & asked, why are u struggling to eat when u hve a son abroad,old woman replies don't mind that boy upon all the money we spent on him to go US, he is always sending me photograph with white men on it, pls can i see the photo,the woman brought it out and it was dollars.
